


Laverne's Crush

by amythis



Category: Laverne & Shirley (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe, F/M, Other Ships Not Mentioned in Tags
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-14
Updated: 2021-02-18
Packaged: 2021-03-15 21:00:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 4,451
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28819629
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/amythis/pseuds/amythis
Summary: Laverne is infatuated.  Lenny is looking for love.  People interfere.
Relationships: Laverne DeFazio/Lenny Kosnowski
Comments: 27
Kudos: 3





	1. Inn

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Missy](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Missy/gifts).



> This story is set April 22-23, 1961, with the Braves-Pirates game on Saturday (although that appears to have been in Pittsburgh in the real world).

Shirley shook Laverne awake.

"Sure-earl," the Brooklyn whine was stronger first thing in the morning, "it's Saturday. Leave me alone!"

"Not until you tell me what Lenny is doing sleeping on our sofa."

Laverne smiled sleepily. "Oh, I said he could because Squiggy had a hot date and he didn't want Lenny to come home."

"You could've told me that before I went out there in just my slip and slippers!"

"Well, you said he's still sleeping, so it's not like he saw you."

"That's not the point. He could've seen me."

"What about him? Does he sleep in his underwear? I didn't think to loan him pajamas."

"I don't know!" Shirley snapped. "He was under the blanket you apparently loaned him."

"Oh. Well, I mean, it's not like you saw him scantily clad or something." Laverne's sleepy smile returned, and Shirley thought then that it was amusement.

"Laverne, this is not a hotel. Remember when the boys had a big fight a couple years ago and Squiggy practically moved in with us? You should've told Lenny that there was no room in the inn."

"He's not exactly the Virgin Mary. And it was only for one night. You know how Squiggy feels about being with any girl two nights in a row."

Shirley sighed. "Well, I guess it's all right, although I don't see why Squiggy's girlfriend couldn't find a girl for Lenny, like usual."

Laverne sat up and frowned. "Squiggy's girlfriend said Lenny was too weird-looking."

"So you felt sorry for him."

"Well, yeah. I mean, Lenny isn't bad-looking, really. I mean, when we went to the debutante ball, he cleaned up real nice."

"Well, that's true."

"And he's real sweet and funny. So I built up his confidence a little last night and gave him some advice."

"What advice?"

"That he needs to find someone he's got stuff in common with."

"Who besides Squiggy is going to like the same bizarre things that Lenny likes?"

"He likes some normal stuff, like sports and monster movies."

"That's normal to you, not to me."

"Well, yeah, I got some stuff in common with him." That secret little smile again.

"Laverne, exactly how did you build up his confidence?"

Laverne swallowed and then whispered, "OK, I held his hand a little and kissed him."

"YOU WHAT?" Shirley shrieked.

"Shhh!"

"Laverne, I think he knows you kissed him. Exactly what kind of kiss was it?"

"Well, it was gonna be a peck on the cheek but he turned his head so it ended up being a peck on the lips."

"Laverne, you were leading him on!"

"No, I wasn't."

"Yes, you were. He's going to think you're interested in him."

"Would it be the worst thing in the world if I was interested in him?"

Shirley stared at her. "What are you saying?"

"I was thinking about it last night. He's tall and blond, with those blue eyes. And he's got a nice body. If he weren't Lenny, he'd be my type."

"Maybe, but he is Lenny."

"Yeah, but if I met him now, without growing up with him, I might see him differently. And on the other hand, I've known him for years, so I know his good qualities."

Shirley shook her head. "So you were flirting with him last night?"

"Maybe not consciously, but maybe on some level, yeah. And I know he likes me."

"Why? Because he proposed to you a couple years ago? The boys tossed a coin and he thought you were pregnant."

"Yeah, but he told me he thought of it as winning. And I know he still likes me because when I woke up in the middle of the night and checked on him, he was writing lyrics on a paper towel. Sounding them out for rhymes and rhythm, you know? And one part went, 'You search and you search so hard, search around the world. Then you find your special girl in a basement, in your own backyard.' No one's ever written a song about me before, Shirl!"

"Did he say the song was about you?"

"No, he didn't see me watching him, but who else could it be?"

"I happen to live in a basement, too, Laverne."

"You want Lenny to have a crush on you?"

"Of course not, but I'm just saying."

"Well, if me and Lenny like each other, you're not going to interfere, are you?"

"When have I ever interfered in your love life?"

Laverne raised an eyebrow.

"Well, maybe once or twice. OK, I'll admit you could do worse than Lenny, but you better make sure you really want him to be interested in you, because otherwise you're gonna hurt that boy. Or you'll get hurt yourself. And why ruin a beautiful if strange friendship?"

"Listen, Shirl, thanks for the advice, but I'm gonna go shave my legs and then make Lenny some breakfast."

"Why do you have to shave your legs to serve him breakfast?"

"Because I'm gonna wear a real cute skirt and I know he likes my legs."

Shirley wanted to discuss this more but Laverne went into the bathroom and shut the door. Shirley sighed and thought about how she really didn't want to have this ruin her weekend. She'd been cranky enough the night before, when her carefully made confetti got scattered. She had to admit she wasn't entirely surprised by the idea that Lenny might have a crush on Laverne, but she would never have expected Laverne to return it, no matter how close the two of them had become in recent years.

Despite her promise to not interfere, she couldn't help putting on her robe and going back in the living room. If Lenny was awake now, she would try to talk to him, before Laverne might end up making a fool of herself. But the living room was empty, the only trace of Lenny a folded blanket and a folded note, even his guitar gone. She resisted opening the note, which was marked with an L on the outside, and carried it into the bedroom. She knocked on the bathroom door and said, "Laverne, hose down your legs and get out here."

Laverne emerged and berated her for using the razor to clean carrots. Her pajama legs were rolled up and her actual legs were covered in bits of toilet paper to cover the nicks.

"You'll clot. Here, Lenny left this for you."

Laverne grinned. "Oh yeah?" She grabbed the note and eagerly read it to herself. Then she tossed it at Shirley, saying, "O ye of little faith."

The note said, _"Laverne, thank you so mutch for tocking to me last nite. Isle be back in a bit after I shour to tell you wot you helped me reel eyes."_

This was really happening. Laverne and Lenny were mutually infatuated and Shirley felt like pigs were taking flight.


	2. Fat

Saturday morning, Squiggy lay in the lower bunk, lost in happy thoughts of the previous night. He was annoyed when his roommate showed up and yelled, "Squig, I gotta talk to you. Get outa the shower!"

Squiggy reluctantly sat up. "I ain't in the shower. That's my female accomplice."

"Oh. Francine's still here?"

"Of course she's still here. It woulda been unshiverous to kick her out in the middle of the night. Asides, she needs you to drive her back to Chicago again."

Lenny shook his head but knelt on the floor next to the bunk beds. "Well, OK, but I gotta talk to you first."

"Look, I'm sorry you had to sleep in the gutter, but I didn't wanna blow my chance with this dame again."

"I slept on the girls' couch and now I'm in love."

Squiggy could barely control his anger. "You're after Shirley? What happened to our spit-shake in sophomoric year?"

"Hey, I know better than to break our brotherly oats."

"Oh, so you finally faced that you like Laverne more than as just a object of lust?"

Lenny scoffed, "After she's rejected me a hundred times? I finally wised up about that after she wouldn't be my third leg in the three-legged race. I know she just wants to be my friend, but she gave me some friendly advice and I wrote a song last night."

"A song about advice?"

"No, about what she helped me realize." Lenny reached over for his guitar, and on his knees started serenading Squiggy:

> "I've heard it said, that life is dumb  
>  The things you want, don't ever come  
>  But that is not my prob-e-lem  
>  I'm crazy about Daisy
> 
> The pyramids, the pretty Sphinx  
>  A furry coat, made out of mink  
>  Compared to you, it really stinks  
>  I'm crazy about Daisy
> 
> And it's funny how you search  
>  How you search and search and search  
>  You search and you search so hard  
>  Search around the world  
>  Then you find your special girl  
>  In a basement, in your own backyard
> 
> So, now I know that life's okay  
>  And every dog shall have his day  
>  So, that is why, I'm here to say:  
>  I'm crazy, I'm really truly crazy about Daisy."

"Who the hell is Daisy?" Squiggy not unreasonably inquired.

"You know, Daisy Borowitz. She lives in the basement of the apartment behind this one."

"That fat broad?"

"She ain't fat. She's just got a big bottom, and what's wrong with that? Anyway, Francine ain't exactly as skinny as a Feeney."

The water had stopped running, so Squiggy shushed him and whispered, "Francine is what the Germans call 'saftig.' "

"What's that mean, soft?"

"Nah, it laterally means 'juicy,' but it's a way of saying 'sexily fat.' "

"Well, Daisy is pretty sexy."

"And you're crazy about her?"

"Yeah, we got a lot in common, like monster movies and sports. I'm gonna ask her to the Braves game today. But first I gotta go downstairs and thank Laverne."

"You expect Francine to wait around all morning while you're sortin' out your love life? Just take her to Chicago first and then tell Laverne and Daisy after. They probably ain't even awake yet."

"That's a hour and a half each way!"

"So? The game ain't till the afternoon. You'll have plenty of time."

Lenny looked like he was struggling between love and duty, but he gave in, as Squiggy had known he would, to their agreement that every time Squiggy went out with Francine, Lenny had to drive her home. Squiggy knew he could trust them, since Francine thought Lenny was weird-looking. And obviously, Lenny wouldn't be hitting on her now that he was crazy about the Borowitz broad.

Squiggy was surprised but not threatened by Lenny falling in love. Daisy might not even know Lenny was alive and she didn't necessarily like him back. At worst, they'd go out for awhile. She wouldn't take Lenny from him.

Now, if it was Laverne, well, that might turn into something serious. But she was sort of grandmothered into the boys' agreement back in high school, and if she ever woke up to how perfect she and Lenny could be together, Squiggy would accept it with good grace. As long as he was best man and they named the first kid after him.

Francine emerged from the bathroom with her hair in a towel and her clothes from last night back on. She looked real good and Squiggy was tempted to tell Lenny to go on ahead and talk to at least Laverne before he left for Chicago, since that would allow enough time for a quick makeout. But Squiggy didn't want Francine getting too attached and he wasn't the type to lead women on emotionally, unless he was in love. Which, unlike Lenny, he wasn't.

But she sure had looked good last night with the moths in her beehive, until his pets were drawn to the candlelight and burned themselves out. It was a tragic loss of course, but she sure was sweet the way she comforted him, and the two of them had done a little burning of their own.

Lenny jingled the keys to the truck and said, "Well, if I gotta wait till I get back, let's hit the road."

Francine bent over and kissed Squiggy on the mouth. It was such a good kiss, it made him speechless. By the time he was able to say, "Well, maybe you can run your errands first, Len," Francine and Lenny were gone.


	3. Chew

"Carmine, can you go check on Laverne? She still hasn't come back from the snack bar."

Shirley sounded worried and Carmine didn't like for her to worry. And it did seem weird that a sports nut like Laverne was missing so much of the game, especially since the Braves were ahead. Not to mention that he was starting to get hungry.

"Of course, Angel Face," he said and kissed her cheek.

Before he got all the way to the snack bar, he found Laverne on a bench, surrounded by concessions: hamburger, hot dog, cotton candy, and Cracker Jack. She was holding a soft-serve ice cream cone in one hand but chewing on a pretzel.

"Be careful," he teased, "you keep eating like that and you'll get a butt as big as Lenny's new girlfriend."

Laverne glared at him but her mouth was too full to reply.

"Come on, it's Shotz Day and I don't even work for the brewery. You gotta come back and support the Braves."

She swallowed. "They're doin' just fine without me."

He pushed some snacks out of the way and sat down. "What's eatin' you? So to speak."

"So Shirl didn't tell you."

"Tell me what?"

Instead of answering, she licked some of the ice cream, but she didn't seem to be enjoying it and probably just didn't want it to drip all over her hand.

"I know you girls didn't have a fight, because she'd tell me that. Is this about a guy?"

She swallowed. "How did you guess?"

"With you, it's usually about a guy. Who is it? That guy with the mustache?" He saw that guy hitting on Laverne, who for once seemed oblivious.

"Who, Rusty? Nah, he's cute but nah."

"Who then?"

She had another bite of pretzel before she mumbled something that sounded like, "Lnee."

"Did you say Lenny?"

She chewed another bite. "Yeah."

"Lenny Kosnowski? The Lenny who's afraid of linoleum?"

"Carmine, don't make it worse."

"It's just, I never knew you liked him that way."

"I didn't either, until he slept over last night."

"Laverne!" No wonder she was upset to see him at the game with another girl.

"Not like that. It was on the couch. But first we talked and I gave him some advice about girls, and I realized that we'd actually make a good couple. And I thought he was interested, because he's always been interested, and later I overheard him writing a love song, but I guess it wasn't about me. It was about Daisy Borowitz, on the other side of the block."

"Oh." This was just about the last thing Carmine had expected. "No offense, Laverne, to you or Lenny. I like the guy but he's, well, no prize." He picked up and shook the Cracker Jack box.

"He's a lot better than most of the bums I've gone out with," she said, sounding uncannily like her father.

"Well, yeah, but he's not someone to eat your heart over."

"Love ain't logical, Carmine."

He sighed, thinking of his relationship with Shirley. "OK, be upset but don't eat half the snack bar."

"You want some?" She gestured at the bounty surrounding her.

He picked up and opened the Cracker Jack box. "Thanks. I think what you gotta do is get over Lenny."

"Thanks, Einstein, I already figured that one out."

"Hey, I'm tryin' to help here."

"Sorry. So how can you mend a broken heart?"

He chewed that over as he chewed on popcorn and peanuts. Then he swallowed and said, "Well, the quickest way is a rebound."

"I ain't going out with Rusty Grogan, sorry."

"Nah, I don't think you should go out with anyone new. That ain't fair to them, and you might get in over your head. It should be someone you know and trust, but someone you think is cute and sexy of course."

"Thanks for the offer, Carmine, but Shirley would kill both of us."

Shirley still didn't know about the two of them almost having a fling a couple years ago. They made out a couple times and thought they were falling for each other, but then they realized that they wouldn't work as a couple. They ended it before it went any further. There was still attraction between them, fueled at times by Shirley's jealousy, but they knew better than to start things up again. And Carmine knew it would be worse when Laverne was so vulnerable.

"Not me! I mean someone not as close to the situation."

She nodded, dipped her pretzel in the soft serve, and chewed on that. She waited until her mouth was empty before she leaned over and kissed him on the cheek, just a light little kiss, like you'd give a baby's boom-boom. "Thanks, Carmine. I'll think it over."

With this concession, they gathered up the food and headed back to watch the Braves beat the Pirates, three to one, as Squiggy booed, and Lenny cuddled with Daisy.


	4. Ayyyy!

Her tongue and lips were as eager to move with his as always. Her hands were as bold under his leather jacket as ever. But the Fonz had definitely kissed enough women to know when one was mentally checked out.

He gently pulled away and said, "Laverne."

"Yeah, Fonzie?"

"Where are you? 'Cause it ain't here."

They'd known each other so long, growing up in the same neighborhood, and she was only a year younger than he was. They were never steadies, but they'd gone out often, although not much lately. Still, he knew her better than most chicks. And she knew him, so they spoke in a kind of shorthand.

"Sorry, Fonz, it's not that I don't like makin' out with you."

"It's mutual."

"Thanks. It's just, well, there's this guy I like and I thought he liked me, but it turns out to be just as a friend. So Carmine suggested I make out with someone cute that I know and trust."

"And he didn't mean himself because Shirley would kill both of you."

"Yeah. So I probably just shoulda told you that."

"No sweat. And I'm happy to make out with you some more, as long as you're more tuned in. But that ain't gonna help you get over your crush. It'll just distract you for awhile."

She nodded. "And that's no reflection on you. It's just, well, my crush on you is like a lot of girls' crushes on you, where we know there ain't no future in it. But I thought me and this guy had real potential, and then he showed up at the ball game today with another girl."

"Oh yeah, Shotz Day. Who won?"

"The Braves," she said proudly, despite her romantic woes.

He would've asked her more about the game, but he did want to solve her problem first. "Good to hear. But tell me more about this guy. Who is he?"

Blushing, she mumbled, "Lenny."

"Lenny who?"

"Lenny Kosnowski," she said more loudly.

"Oh. Yeah, I always thought he had a crush on you."

"Well, if he did, he's over me. Just when I started to realize I like him that way."

"Hang on, DeFazio. How long has he been with the new chick?"

"A few hours I guess. 'Cause just last night, I was givin' him advice about women. Which I guess he took."

"And did he mention her at all?"

"No."

"So it can't be that serious yet."

"Should I try to break them up?"

"No! Let it play out. Maybe it'll turn into something more, and you'll have to be happy for them. Or maybe it won't go nowhere. But even if it fizzles instead of sizzles, that don't mean he's gonna go for you."

"So how am I gonna get over him if I have to?"

"Well, tell me what advice you gave to him."

"I said he needs to find someone he's got stuff in common with."

"So that's what you need to do."

"I got stuff in common with Lenny."

"You start with stuff in common, but it's not enough. You gotta have that special somethin' that happens between a guy and a girl."

She nodded. "I thought I had that with Lenny, but OK. Yeah." She swallowed. "I'll get out, meet people, and maybe I'll find that connection I'm lookin' for."

"Yeah. Other than sports, what do you like these days?"

"Um, men in uniform."

"Well, I'd suggest you join the Army, but that might be a bigger change than you're lookin' for."

"Yeah. I don't know, I like cops, but I'd have to be a victim of a crime to meet one, and I'm not lookin' for that neither. Especially how things ended with Officer Norman Hughes."

He remembered her crying on his shoulder about that breakup. "What about firemen?"

"You want me to burn down my apartment?"

"I was gonna suggest gettin' a kitten and havin' it get stuck in a tree."

She shook her head. "I have already gone through too much with Shirley and animals. We're not gettin' a pet that cute."

"Hey, I know! Jefferson High is havin' a fire safety lecture in the gym tomorrow night. Joanie was tellin' me about it. It's open to the public and, according to Jenny Piccalo, the speaker, one Ted Nelson, is 'a real hunk.' "

"OK, I'll go. It may not lead to anything except oogling, but it's a start. Thanks, Fonz."

"No problem. In the meantime, if you wanna get back to the makeout...."

"You're pretty hunky yourself, Fonz, even if we ain't got a future."

"Ayyyy! And I am happy to be your rebound tonight."

Her lips and her hands went back to work.


	5. Ted

Ted Nelson, fireman, mingled with the crowd before he gave his fire safety lecture Sunday night at Jefferson High School. It wasn't a very big crowd but he believed in his message, and he knew that spreading it even indirectly— as the audience would go home and tell their family, friends, and neighbors— was part of building a safe community.

He got in line for the refreshment table behind a cute woman with fluffy dark blonde hair. She was wearing a red dress with a white collar, black polka-dots, and a big pink cursive L. He was going to say hello and introduce himself, but she wasn't looking at him. She was looking at a tall, blond guy in brown slacks, a yellow shirt, and a loud checked jacket. The man was looking at the food.

"Lenny!" she exclaimed. "What are you doin' here?"

The man looked at her. "Oh, hi, Laverne. You know me, I always wanted to be a fireman. How about you?"

"No, I never wanted to be a fireman. But, you know, fire safety is important."

"Truer words were seldom spoken."

"Uh, where's Daisy?"

The man sighed. "I know you meant well, Laverne, but even though I think Daisy is cute and we got stuff in common, I just didn't click with her. I tried, but I'm sorry."

The woman didn't look terribly upset as she said, "Gee, that's too bad, Len."

"Mr. Nelson, let us know if there's anything you need," said one of two high school girls who had helped book him for the event, Joanie Cunningham he believed.

"Yes, anything," flirtily said the other girl, who had told him more than once that her name was Jenny Piccalo.

The woman in front of him, Laverne it appeared, turned to look at the three of them and then she and Joanie greeted each other. Introductions were made. And then the man, Lenny Kosnowski, grabbed some food with one hand and the arm of Laverne DeFazio with the other, and said, "Hey, Laverne, let's sit up front so we can see everything."

Ted Nelson reminded himself that he was a fireman who was there in an official capacity, so he didn't exchange more than a smile with Laverne before her friend dragged her off. He made his excuses to the two younger girls and made his way to the small stage.

He gave his standard lecture, with slides and props, and it seemed to go over well. But towards the end, he decided to add something. "May I have a couple volunteers?"

Jenny and Joanie waved their hands wildly, but Ted said, "How about you two in the front row?"

There were only two people in front, but the man's eyes lit up like he'd been picked as a contestant in the studio audience of a game show. He grabbed his friend's arm and said, "Laverne, that's us!" He dragged her onstage.

Since Ted had shown, with diagrams and a dummy, how to do the fireman's lift, he asked them to demonstrate that.

"You want me to lift her?" Lenny said, as if he'd never thought of such a thing.

Ted chuckled. "Unless you want her to lift you."

"Well, she's strong enough, but I'll lift her. If it's OK with you, Laverne."

She nodded and licked her lips. Then she lay on the floor, face down. Lenny knelt next to her and Ted reminded him, "Reach under her armpits and carefully raise her from the floor."

Lenny did so, but when Ted told him to lift Laverne's arms and put her over his shoulder, somehow Laverne ended up in Lenny's arms.

Ted teased, "You're not carrying her over the threshold, Mr. Kosnowski."

He was standing close enough to see the searing glances Laverne and Lenny were exchanging.

"Len, I think I left something in my car."

"Great lecture, Mr. Nelson!" Lenny cried over his shoulder as he carried Laverne off the stage and out of the gym.

Ted shook his head and finished the lecture. Afterwards, he mingled a little and thanked Joanie and Jenny for having Jefferson host him, while they thanked him for giving up his Sunday evening. It took him awhile to gather up his notes, diagrams, dummy, etc., and by the time he got out to the parking lot, it was almost empty. He noticed a gray 1947 Hudson with its top up and its backseat windows steamed up.

He decided that tapping on the car would not fall under his duties as a fireman, and he'd interfered enough for one night. This was now a matter for the police to handle.


End file.
